Woodlawn Cemetery December 24th (my tiny soccer field)

I stand between two gravestones and I look out 

I have the view I would have had if I was a name engraved in stone

There's some room left

I don't know what to do with it

If I walk I leave steps

And underneath me there's people

And underneath them there's more people 

The rows are completely white

Anywhere I look

Any direction I look

Completely white

Except for a couple cars passing here and there

All I can hear are my own steps

I was worried about dirtying it, this patch of now covered grass

I was worried about dirtying with the soccer ball we would bring here with my brother 

We used to do long passes but not so long that they would get out of control and maybe hit one of the gravestones to its right 

The snow is very loud

Its very loud underneath the cap that I am wearing

If I have my hood up I can hear it in my ears

I can hear it through my hair and in my ears

And I can hear it in the cars that pass and in the way they slow down

And the way you're forced to go slowly and look around 

And not slip on ice

And not slip on snow

And not slip on the rain that comes afterwards

By the time I reach my footsteps again I've made a circle 

And the start of the circle is a little bit

Erased 

From the first time I walked over 

Out in the distance 

There's the little house of the cemetery

I was always intrigued by the little house I wanted to go in 

At first I thought people lived there

And now I know they don’t

Do people work there? I think

But people dont live in the cemetery they die here

Or they’re brought here when they’re dead rather

And then they keep living through flowers 

And they keep living through cleaning up 

And they keep living through weeding 

And through planting new trees 

And they all look so clean 

And the trees all grow at the same time 

And they’ve all died in the last five years

And they were all alive when the patch of grass was completely clear 

And before any of them started popping up with their gravestones to cover up my tiny soccer field

It starts to snow a little bit heavier now 

And I start to worry about 

My friend who's out 

In his car 

And I hope he makes it here safely 

And I hope he'll make it back home safe afterwards too

I almost text him and tell him not to come

But then I think 

He's an adult 

His parents treat him like a kid already I dont need to also 

I don't need to also

And I keep looking behind me expecting someone to be following but no one is 

It's just my footsteps and the people who have died 

Last year 

The year before 

Two hundred years ago 

This cemetery opened in 1733 I believe 

I have a lot of happy memories here actually 

When I was part of the school band 

We would come here for our parade once a year

It was the end point of the parade

I look out at the road, 

I can see the road regardless of where I’m walking

I can see the road

And I can see my steps 

And slowly

I can’t see my steps anymore

And I worry 

I worry that the roads are too bad and that he won't be able to make it

And I almost text him again 

And I tell him don't come 

Dont come its too bad out there

Or out here actually, its too bad out here

I can walk alone its ok

We can do this some other time

And we'll keep looking over our shoulders at each other 

And at the road that becomes dangerous if you don't plow it

And at the memories that start to fade if you don't look at them often enough 

And that start to fade if you look at them too often

I stand between two stones again

I look up 

I look behind this time 

Not at where they’re facing but at where they’re not facing 

And I wonder whether the stones can feel what's behind them 

With a bit of wind the tree branches would fall 

They’re frozen now 

And they’re weighed heavy with the snow

And I walk underneath them with trepidation 

And I see the snow that's fallen 

And I see the branches that have fallen faster

And I hear them 

And I hear them going on and on and on and on 

And I see my house across from here

And I see the lights that I put up some days ago 

And I wait for him to come 

And I wait for him to come 

And I look at every car that passes hoping that its him

Even though I told him to message me before he left so it means he hasn't left yet

And I look out for a car that would be green 

Kind of ugly sage-y green

Even though I know he’d message me before he leaves 

So it can't be him because he hasn’t messaged me yet 

I’m scared of walking closer to the road

Because technically the cemetery closes after dark

And its way after dark because its winter

And it gets dark so very early now

Snow isn't glassy like water

It does not reflect 

I look down and I see my feet 

And below that I see nothing 

I see nothing 

And when you walk on snow 

It presses down

And it winces as it becomes ground

It winces as you pack it on

As it turns into dirt

As it melts a little bit underfoot

Snow packs itself onto you

You become it

It packs on

And it melts 

And it packs on some more 

And then it hides 

And then it hides again when it melts 

And the snow was never there in the first place what are you talking about 

It was never there

And the rain was 

And the snow was never there

And it doesn’t reflect you back 

And you look down 

And you don't see yourself or the trees above you as you would in a puddle

You just see it 

Packed

Packed down

nothingness

I catch snow in my hands

And all I catch is a cold really

I transfer the heat 

I transfer my warmth and it disappears